No Sense of Humor
by Keelia Ann
Summary: Severus Snape has developed a potion that transforms the user into a more handsome and more charismatic version of themselves. It works just the way he wanted. Well, sort of. There was one little side effect...
1. Chapter 1: Bloody Vagina!

**No Sense of Humor**

Pairing: Severus Snape/Lots

Rating: T

Genre: Humor/Romance

Summery: Severus Snape developed a potion that transforms the user into a more handsome and more charismatic version of themselves. It works just the way he wanted. Well, sort of. There was one _little _side effect…

Posted: 17 December 2007 by Keelia Ann

Disclaimer- I love this story. _So_ much. That's all I can really say right now. I know you'll love it too.

24 December 2007: READ THIS. Thank you for your attention. This story has received shocked and angry reviews because the writers seem to believe that this is all to make fun of Severus. _That is not the case._ I will be updating soon, and you'll see what I mean. Remember that this is only the _prologue_. Thank you.

29 January 2008: I changed the title of this from "Prologue: Bloody Vagina" to "Chapter 1: Bloody Vagina" and shifted all the other chapters up one, just so it would fit fanfiction's system and confuse me less. So don't be confused by the last announcement.

Chapter 1: Bloody Vagina!

"_Albus!"_

"_Yes, Phineus?"_

"_I do _not _approve!"_

"_Oh, come now. It's high time the poor boy had some fun."_

"_You may play with your precious Gryffindors as much as you want, but leave my Slytherins alone!"_

"_I remember you used to have a sense of humor."_

"_I remember you used to be sane! This is ridiculous! This is _criminal_!"_

"_You don't give him enough credit; he's quite brilliant."_

"_Of course he is, he's one of my own! But what does that have to do with anything?"_

"_He'll discover the additives, eventually, and soon after which it will be easy for him to produce an antidote. With any luck, he will discover something about himself in the process." _

Albus Dumbledore was _not _smiling. Though it took all of his self-control to resist the urge, he was most definitely _not _smiling.

Ok, so maybe he was.

"Will you bloody say something?" The girl's voice was deep and musical; even her cuss sounded sweet. "I came to you for _answers_; so far you've done nothing but stare."

Silence.

"Could you explain to me what happened, just one more time?"

The girl's black eyes widened with fury; with it her brow wrinkled so cutely it almost hurt to look at her. She closed her eyes and took a slow breath in, a slow breath out. "I was working on inventing a potion. It was similar to the polyjuice potion, except instead of transforming the victim-erm, the _user_-into a completely separate person, it simply made the user more attractive and charismatic."

"I see. Who were you trying to impress?"

"_Something went wrong_," she spat, determined to ignore Albus' saucy question, "and, as you can see, I… Well, look at me!"

"I think you are rather beautiful."

"I have bloody _breasts_!" she shrieked, grabbing the parts mentioned and waving them wildly at Albus. "I have a bloody _vagina_! That is a _problem_!"

"The consequences of adversary are based purely on one's belief system."

"What is that supposed to mean!"

"It means simply that it is your choice to make of this situation what you will. You may either choose to look at this as a completely negative incident..."

"Which it _is_! I need to turn myself back!"

"..._or_, you can view it as an opportunity to grow."

She rolled her eyes. "I need time off from school," she stated irritably, rubbing the bridge of her cute button nose-a gesture that her former self had use to fend off headaches. "I'll figure this out, but I need supplies, books, _privacy_."

"I'm sorry, Severus, but I simply cannot allow that."

"_What_?!"

"I cannot allow you to skip classes," Albus said calmly. "We cannot know how long this will last. You said earlier that you have been in your current state for-"

"_Seven hours_!" she hissed.

"-seven hours, and though Potions were never my expertise, I seem to recall that a regular polyjuice potion only lasts _one _hour."

"This one was supposed to as well," she moaned, miserable yet gorgeous. "When I perfected it, I was going to make one that would last longer, but so many things have gone wrong. It just doesn't add up, this shouldn't be happening."

"Which is why you can't skip class. Feel free to spend your time outside of classes working on an antidote, but until one is produced, I suggest you try to enjoy yourself."

"_Enjoy myself_!" she shrieked. "How am I supposed to _enjoy _myself! I'm a bloody _girl_!"

"I have been female in the past myself, and I never found it too terrible." Albus smiled mischievously. "I suggest you explore your new body. You'd be amazed by how soft women are. And _squishy_."

A look of repulsion plastered itself on her ivory face, but slowly it was replaced by curiosity.

"Squishy?"

"Squishy."

She blushed, and then glanced down. A new kind of light filled her eyes as she viewed her body. Rather then eyeing it with horror, she gazed across it with wonder.

"You may go now. And Severus..." Albus winked. "Have fun."


	2. Chapter 2: Sway Your Hips

Posted: 2 January 2008

Disclaimer: Sorry this took so long. I did about six sucky versions of this (no exaggeration, it was starting to piss me off) before a good friend of mine finally broke my writer's block. If I get her permission I'll post her name and/or fanfiction name here so you can thank her.

Chapter 2: Sway Your Hips

_"__Have you thought of the poor boy _once?_"_

_"__He is no longer male, but yes, I have."_

_"__He can't know how to act, he won't know what to wear; he probably won't know how to put on what to wear! Merlin's beard, what if he gets a womanly period!"_

_"__I'm sure that would be quite a shock, but..."_

_"__What if_ _he becomes_ pregnant?_ What then, Albus, what then?"_

_"__You are too melodramatic."_

_"__You are too calm!"_

_"__I have faith in him-_her. _Surely you know Slytherins are resourceful."_

_"__Damn you, Albus. You belong in Mungo's Mental Wing."_

_"__Phineus, you _must _learn to have faith in fun."_

"It goes _where?_" Horror filled the girl's deep voice; her bright eyes were wide with shock. "That is _repulsive!_"

"Hopefully you won't get yours before you fix yourself," Lily atoned, "but just in case, it is good for you to know."

"I don't think so." She hugged her knees and rocked from side to side. "I don't think I need to know at all." Lily giggled at the girl's state. "It's not funny!"

"You have no sense of humor, Sev."

"I don't find _blood _amusing!"

"We are digressing," Lily said with authority. "There are things yet for you to learn." She hummed softly, reviewing their lessons thus far. "You know how to dress…"

"Bras still confuse me," she admitted, wincing as she stared at her breasts.

"…Makeup has been covered…"

"I _refuse _to use that gooey eyelash brush again," Severus said passionately. "My eyes nearly _died_."

"…So I guess we should move on to walking."

"Walking?"

"Walking."

"What's wrong with the way I walk?" the girl demanded.

"Girls do _not_ walk like gorillas."

Her mouth dropped open. "I do _not_ walk like a gorilla!"

"Yes. Yes you do." Lily gazed with cool calm upon Severus' hot anger. "You promised that if I would help you, you would do whatever I told you to do. So get up, and let's work on your walk."

Though enraged, desperation won Severus over. She haltingly stood up, and then took a few steps forward.

"Sway your hips," Lily ordered. Black eyes glared at her, but their owner accordingly pushed her hips out to the side with each step. "Close your legs a bit. No! Watch, like this." She demonstrated, and after a moment Severus copied her. "There you go. Widen your stride, a little more… Golden. Just keep doing that."

"For how long?" she questioned.

"As long as it takes."

Severus opened her mouth to protest, then closed it, rubbed the bridge of her nose, and continued practicing.

"I'm glad your potion didn't change your ability to learn quickly," Lily commented, pleased with what she saw.

"I'm still Severus Snape," she snarked, lovely despite the crinkles of irritation across her face. "I just have a vagina now."

"No, you are different," Lily said thoughtfully. "You are more confident, and despite your incessant complaining, you seem happier with yourself then you were."

"…Lily?"

"Yes?"

"I'm… I'm really pretty now, aren't I?" She blushed.

Lily smiled. "You look like Severus, just female."

The girl glowed with pleasure. "Thanks."

"…Sev?"

"Yes?"

"Would you do something for me? This is outside the bargain. I'm asking because I'm not sure how long our renewed friendship will last."

Severus stopped, and her beautiful eyes glimmered with such sadness Lily wanted to cry with shame. "What do you need?" she asked softly.

Lily felt guilty now, but she _had _to ask. "Um. This will sound strange, but will you seduce James? James Potter?"

_"__What?_"

Lily's face was hot. "It's just… He always says he likes me, but I think that it is just because I'm the prettiest girl in school. But now that you are here, and you are just as pretty as me, though different, so I thought…"

"You want to prove he doesn't mean what he says."

"Yes."

"I'll do it." Severus' trademark smirk looked twice as evil on her full female lips then it ever did when she was male. "I would love to see him in _my _control for once."

Lily smiled hugely at her and impulsively gave her a hug. Severus awkwardly patted the redhead's back, causing Lily to laugh. "That's another thing to work on: how to give and receive hugs."

Severus laughed, and the musicality of the sound made Lily smile in spite of herself. "If you insist." Then, seriously, "First you must teach me something more immediately important." She took in a breath. "How _do _you seduce a man?"


	3. Chapter 3: Determined To Woo

Posted: 24/1/08

Disclaimer: Augh. This took _forever!_ I did so many versions (so, so many versions) of this chapter. The only thing that united them was the title, the Phineus-Albus conversation, and the painful fact that they were all pathetically unfunny. I'm still not sure about this one being funny, in fact. But it is high time we move on. I do hope you don't hate it. If anything, I deserve an A for effort. Or for obsessive-compulsive disorder. Which ever makes more sense to you.

Chapter 3: Determined To Woo

"_Fun? I can not comprehend how the harassment he will undoubtedly receive could be viewed as 'fun.'"_

"_I spent a great deal of time contemplating this before I altered his potion, and I concluded the abuse she must endure will be minimal."_

"_I fail to fathom how you figured that."_

"_You see, dear Phineus, I happen to know the current Kings of Hogwarts quite well-"_

"_You refer to the Potter boy and my great-great-grandson."_

"_-and I assure you, they will _protect _her rather than abuse her."_

"_Are you _mad? _They have been inhumanly cruel to him! Sirius, as much as I hate to admit it, is particularly sadistic. This will give them but another tool to harass him with!"_

"_You forget, they are _Gryffindors, _and thus chivalrous to a fault. I promise you, James and Sirius-_especially _Sirius-will never torment a girl as beautiful as Severus Snape."_

Sirius Black was in love.

There was a new girl at Hogwarts. Everyone had been confused (a new student in _November?_), but they knew they would have remembered a face as lovely as hers.

They were in the library, and _she _was there. Sirius couldn't stop staring at her, memorizing her. She had _perfect_ midnight hair and _perfect_ onyx eyes and _perfect_ rose red lips.

"She is the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on," Sirius whispered longingly to James, who was sitting next to him at the table the Marauders had claimed.

"And Lily is sitting next to her!" James answered dreamily.

"Who could she be?" Peter asked.

"I have no idea!" Sirius moaned.

"Then why don't you go ask her name?" Remus asked, logical and good natured as always.

"You expect me to approach that _goddess?_"

"I'll do it for you, if you want." Remus shrugged with a soft smile. "Girls don't affect me as much as they affect you."

He stood up, but Sirius quickly pulled him down. "No!" Getting up himself, he atoned with a grimace, "_I_ have to."

James nodded knowingly. "Good luck, Padfoot!"

Sirius closed his eyes, found the part of him that woman went crazy for, put on a saucy smile and sauntered up to her.

"Yes…?"

That word! That simple word! "Yes!" When spoke by this angel it sounded like song. Blushing and moved, Sirius gallantly took the girl's hand, gently raised it to his lips and kissed her delicate fingers. "I am Sirius Black," he told her hotly as he held her eyes with his imperfect own. "What name graces you?"

Her eyes were wide, her face was flushed, and then she uttered it:

"Severus Snape."

And someone screamed, "_What!_"

It took a moment for Sirius to realize the cracked voice had been his. "No, no, no!" Were those pathetic cries his as well? "That can't be!"

"Yes, yes, yes." Lily looked smug. "I assure you, she is."

The Marauders had come over, and were gaping as wide as Sirius.

"It… It really _is _you, isn't it?" Remus was white. "Same eyes, same expressions…"

"No!" Sirius repeated. "That is _not _Snivellus!"

James laid a calming hand on his friend's trembling arm. "You're right, Padfoot. _She _isn't Snivellus." He grinned sheepishly at Severus. "I'm sorry for my friend, miss. Once you know him he's really good fun."

"You know I know him." It was Snivellus' anger, though the words belonged to a different voice.

"We don't know you though." James smiled cordially. "We should spend time together; I would love to get to know you. I've never met a girl named 'Severus.'"

Then Sirius realized. James was right! Whatever Snivellus had done to himself, the boy she had been was no more. Now all that remained was a beautiful girl, and the name "Severus" had never been so magical.

"Severus Snape!" Sirius cried passionately. "I am determined to woo you! You shall be mine!"

She glared at him coldly. "I'm sorry, but 'Prongs' has already claimed me." Addressing James, she announced, "We will meet at Hogsmeade this Sunday in the Three Broomsticks. You will buy my drinks. Be there by two."

With that, the two belles gathered their things, and glided out with the grace of swans and the flaunt of queens. The Marauders stood dumbfounded.

Suddenly, a nervous giggle gurgled out of James' mouth. Sirius looked homicidal. "What?" Remus hiccupped, and James' laughter grew louder. "You have no sense of humor. Snivellus Snape just _asked me out._"


	4. Chapter 4: My First Kiss

Posted: 6 June 2008 (The last day of school!)

Disclaimer: This should be titled "Official Apology." I did this chapter months ago, but then AP US History picked up, as did Pre Calculus and Honors Chem. And Honors English… I was busy. Fortunately, I also wrote Chapters 5 and 6 when I wrote this one, so they will be posted super soon.

Oh and a second note. I just wanted to get this up so you'd have it. If there are any errors, I beg forgiveness, and I promise they will be edited later. Just live with them for now.

Chapter 4: My First Kiss

"_Are you suggesting that Sirius Black will be attracted to Severus Snape?"_

"_He is going to fall head over heels for her."_

_"Preposterous! My grandson _hates _Severus Snape!"_

"_He hates Severus the boy, not Severus the beauty. I promise you, he will be so struck he will do anything to attain her."_

Against his better judgment, his logic, his memories, his loyalties, and all he had previously loved as good and true, James Potter was beginning to like Severus Snape.

And not just like. He was beginning to _like _like her.

He had tried to resist for the sake of all that has been previously mentioned, but he could not any longer. He had been with her for nearly two hours now and she was just too bloody attractive. Her smiles were blisteringly beautiful and her lips were subtlety sensual and her flesh was perfectly pale and she was driving him absolutely _batty_.

Every motion, every word, was charismatic and alluring, sophisticated and lilting, feminine to such an extent that had it not been for her shielded onyx eyes he would have forgotten who she was and named her Aphrodite.

However, her eyes were the shielded onyx eyes of Severus Snape, and James was not there to woo her but to help Sirius-his _best friend_- woo her. (Stupid Sirius.) So now it was time to stop ogling her like a love struck hippogriff and figure out how to get past those shields.

"So, Severus," James lilted, for once flirting with calculation rather than hormones, "how has our date been thus far."

She licked drops of butterbeer off of her lips (_Oh, Merlin, her _lips. James' thigh twitched. _Oh, Merlin, her _tongue.) and grinned at him. "It has been good," She admitted.

"Just 'good'?" he asked in a tone of teasing mock offense. He tickled her palm with his fore and center fingers and smiled at her surprised giggle. "Surely there is nothing a date with _me _could lack."

She blushed and looked away. Then, with a secret smile and a sideways glance, she said, "You haven't given me a _surprise_." She stared into her mug, blushing, and didn't say another word.

James was struck by the vulnerability Severus displayed. _She has never been treated like something special before, _he realized. _I am her _first date.

Suddenly aware of the enormous responsibility he held, he made what would become a historic decision: He would no longer do anything for Sirius on this date. He wouldn't even do anything for himself. From then on out, until they returned to Hogwarts all he did would be for _her_.

He fumbled with his wallet and tossed a few coins on the table. Then, nervous but excited, he stood and took Severus' winter robes. She rose, curious, and shielded, and allowed James to drape the borrowed cloth across her shoulders. James took her hand and led her out.

It was snowing, though less so than when they had first taken refuge at the Three Broomsticks, and the streets of Hogsmeade were vacant. James led her to an alleyway, held his breath, and then pulled out his invisibility cloak.

Severus gasped with pleasure and stroked it delicately. He smiled and explained, "This way we'll be able to go off and be alone." He threw it over them, took her hand, and ran. She laughed and let herself be pulled along. Soon they were there, and James pulled off the cloak and folded it away.  
"The Shrieking Shack?" She was incredulous.

"Someday I'll take you in there," he promised seriously.

"With the rest of the Mauraders?" she asked softly.

James sensed bitterness and frowned. "What's wrong?" he questioned. "Don't you trust me?"

She sighed. "I don't know."

He moved closer to her. "Don't worry," he whispered. "I won't hurt you any more." And then, by a force that James would never be able to name, James Potter and Severus Snape kissed.

And then, in barely a moment, they sprang apart.

"That was wrong." They had said it as one.

"You are very attractive…" Severus was blushing.

"…absolutely beautiful…" James explained sheepishly.

"…but we aren't meant to be." Having come as one to this happy agreement, they fell silent.

Severus broke the stillness by unexpectedly laughing. James blushed, and fearing he was the source of her mirth, demanded, "What?"

"I just gave my first kiss to _James Potter_." She chortled gaily, but James blanched. "What?" she teased. Then she laughed again. "You have no sense of humor."

"Severus… That was _my _first kiss too." He felt miserable. "I… I wanted it to be Lily."

Severus stared. "I went on this date for Lily. She wanted to prove that you just liked her for her looks."

"I am here so I can find out how Sirius can seduce you."

"_Sirius?_" she asked, disgusted. Then her eyes shone mischievously. "James, I had a lot of fun with you today. I really like you." She smiled, half sweetly, half cunningly. "Lets end this date so both of our friends will be… happy."


	5. Chapter 5: Losing Your Virginity

Posted:

Posted: 9 June 2008

Disclaimer: This is a brief break from the shock laugh kind of chapters that have taken up this story thus far because I needed a chapter to establish who Severus actually will end up with. If you are going to boo me out do it because there is something seriously wrong with the chapter and not because you dislike the pairing. (I mean, for serious, they are the cutest ever!)

Chapter 5: Losing Your Virginity

"_You may be right about Sirius, but can you honestly say that Severus will fall for him?"_

"_He is an attractive boy, and she will love his attentions."_

"_Albus, you fool! This is _Severus Snape _we are talking about! He hates Sirius!"_

"_This is their chance to become friends."_

"_You fool! This is Severus' chance to get revenge on the boy who has made him suffer unimaginably for the past six years of his life!"_

She was in her private potions room, stirring a noxious concoction intensely. Remus smiled fondly at her ardor for a moment, then politely announced himself.

"Hell-o, Sev."

"You're out late, Remy," she responded. She gave him a quick nod-she didn't fake smiles for him, thank Merlin-and returned to her work. "Can I trust you to cut that peppermint up?"

"I may be terrible at putting ingredients together, but I _can _cut them." He picked up a knife and turned to a table of plants. _Which one is it?_ "Um…?"

Severus snorted a laugh and pointed the peppermint out. With an embarrassed, "Ah" Remus plucked a handful of leaves and slowly sliced them.

"So, _Moony_," she said the named with scorn, "why grace me with your presence this fine night?"

"You are trying to seduce Sirius, aren't you?" he knew the answer already.

"You have no sense of humor." She was vicious in her confidence that she was right. "It is going to be hilarious."

"You are cruel, for using James to get at Sirius. James grew quite fond of you on your date."

"I like him too, believe it or not," she snapped. Despite her body, she was Severus, and when uncomfortable she went defensive. "But _he _just likes girl me. They all prefer this version." Remus could tell her anger came from hurt.

"I liked you as a boy," Remus admitted blushingly.

She glanced at him, briefly. "You did, didn't you?" Her eyes narrowed. "Is it wrong for me to want to teach him a lesson?"

"Yes… and no." He fumbled with words in his head uneasily, then finally blurted out, "Severus, losing your virginity is _big!_"

She stiffened and spat, "It will be worth it when he realizes for once _I _was in control of _him_."

"You say that now, but you _will_ regret it!" She stubbornly ignored him, and in desperation he spun her around, knocking over her potion, and yelled, "Look at me!" She gaped at him, shocked by his uncharacteristic outburst. He reddened, embarrassed at himself, and murmured, "You shouldn't hurt yourself for him."

He lowered his eyes ashamedly, but she touched his cheek to make him look up. "I think you ruined my potion." She sounded more surprised than angry. "You _always _do that."

He grinned and blushed. Her lips twitched but she quickly turned before they would smile. As her wand snuffed out the flames and sucked up the potion from the floor, she explained, "I don't plan to change back for good until I have punished him, but it would be nice to know I had the formula. I still have some of the original to keep me female."

He nodded absently as he watched her work. He was thinking.

"James said you like to be surprised," he mused, speaking more to himself than to her. "That was the only piece of advice that he gave to Sirius that I didn't immediately recognize as your prank's rubbish."

"People don't think to surprise me," she said wistfully. "People only surprise the ones they care about."

Remus was touched by the vulnerability his friend Severus showed in those words, and after hearing them he made a decision that would (like James') become historic.

"Severus, I want to surprise you." She looked up at him, curious but shielded. "I want to surprise you _right now_." He took in a deep breath.

"Sev… lets have sex."

"Are you serious?" She was red.

"Yes. That way you won't have any regrets." Remus could feel he was red too. "Because I really care about you and you really care about me and this way… You can do what ever. Just so long as you lose your virginity with me."

She stared at him, still red. Remus was afraid, his body shook. But then she smiled, and it wasn't a fake smile but a real honest Sev smile.

"Ok, Remy." She reached out and grabbed his fore and center fingers and squeezed them. "Let's have sex."


	6. Chapter 6: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew

Posted: 14 July 2008

Disclaimer: This is my favorite Chapter so far. Hopefully you will giggle as much as you do when you read it as I do.

Chapter 6: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

"_I say it his chance to find love."_

"_I know not about what love he could find, so I can contend that point, but you must realize the dangers of the power he now has over Sirius!"_

"_But Sirius will like him now, we've already been over this."_

"_That doesn't mean Severus will like him! Sirius is a womanizer; but now, because of your carelessness a 'woman' is going to be the one to finally break him."_

Peter Pettigrew had never been so uncomfortable in his entire life.

Sirius had kicked the rest of the occupants of the Griffindor's male dormitory out, but Peter had wanted to sleep so he hid under the covers and quickly changed into a rat. He had managed to remain undetected, so he was still in the same spot.

Peter had considered this a grand victory on his part. That is, until Sirius and Severus started to have sex.

If rats could cry, poor Peter surely would have. _Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, _Peter thought, the words sobbed at least in his head. _This is awful_.

And it was. As a rat, Peter had heightened senses of both sound and smell. Every moan, every gasp, reverberated throughout his entire tiny body. The smells-those terrible smells-surrounded him, suffocated him.

He had never wanted sex more in his entire life. Likewise, he had never been more aware of how attractive and _sexy_ his friend Sirius was. He had never been more aware of how his friend Sirius could have sex and _he _couldn't.

Peter hated Sirius with a deep, murderous passion. He would have done anything for anyone to _kill _him in that moment.

There was no way to now, however. And Peter was about to explode into little bits. (_Hmm, I wonder if there is a spell that could make me do that?_) So sneakily he jumped off the bed, squeezed under the door, and then changed back into a human so he could run and give his penis the masturbation of its life.

_I wonder what he would say if he saw me now?_ Peter wondered as he ran to find a private place to relieve himself. _I bet he would say-I bet they would all say-"You have no sense of humor, Wormtail." But I'll show them. I'll be the one laughing in the end._

And with that final thought, he dashed into a bathroom to explode and plot.


	7. Chapter 7: Bigger Penis

Posted: 5 November 2008

Disclaimer: This was going to be the last chapter of this story, and would have been written thus, but I have found that I love this too much to stop now. So this is a transition chapter. I hope it still retains its funniness.

Chapter 7: Bigger Penis

_"Are you suggesting that it is Severus that will seduce Sirius?"_

_"It is his perfect chance at revenge. But I doubt Sirius will see it as just payback-no, he'll do something doubly terrible in return!"_

_"Phineas, surely you know Severus can take care of herself."_

_"_Himself_, and how do you explain his first five years and the torment he's received? He 'took care of himself' beautifully then."_

_"Again, you are underestimating Severus. If something does go astray, he will have the wisdom to make it right."_

As Severus Snape looked at his naked body he couldn't help but ogle at the sheer maleness of it. He gaped at the flatness of his chest, he gasped at the slim straightness of his hips, and he grinned at the rough hairiness of his arms and legs. When he check and confirmed that his most important parts had returned, he nearly cried with joy.

"I'm a _boy _again." And sure enough, his boy voice was back too.

"Thank God." Remus was staring at his nudity too, but not with awe but hunger. "I missed _you _so much."

Severus grinned mischievously. "I'm excited too. And most pleased that you still are interested in me as a guy."

"Of course I am." Remus smiled hugely at him. "That's why you gave your first to me."

"That, and because you have a bigger penis than Sirius," Severus added, pointing at Remus' crotch.

Remus blushed, forever a prude. "Surely size isn't everything."

"No, but he also humped me like some kind of ridiculous horny puppy." That startled a laugh out of Remus. "It wasn't so amusing then," Severus informed him drily, rubbing the bridge of his nose at the memory. "It was quite miserable, in fact."

"You'll get no sympathy from me," Remus chided, though not unkindly. "You are the one who wanted revenge."

"And I got it," Severus said triumphantly. He cackled. "Oh, Remy, I could have died when I told him…" He noticed Remus looked incredibly downcast. Rolling his eyes, he asked, "What is it now?"

Remus sighed woefully. "I know you wanted payback, and I think he's learned his lesson, but I do wish he would start talking to James and me again."

"You have no sense of humor," Severus informed him coldheartedly.

"Sev, he is my _best friend_."

Severus glared irritably at the boy. "Remus, look at me a second. I am _naked_. Why are we talking at all?"

Remus flushed with desire and gave Severus a hot kiss. "You're right, I'm sorry," Remus whispered in his lover's ear. But, tentatively, he added, "I just wish there were some way to fix this."

Severus rolled his eyes yet again, though this time with more dramatic flair, and conceded, "Alright, you annoying little Gryffindor. Your puppy eyes and pouts have won me over-I will fix it." Then, with the lip twitch that was his smile, he grabbed Remus and pulled him onto him. "But I want to lose my male virginity first."


End file.
